I’ve read an entry in Courage to Change for January 26 quite a few times over the past few days and it will come as no surprise, but the words…”having had a spiritual awakening”, keep repeating over and over as if looped inside my brain. It’s the end result of working these steps. Breaking down these words and defining them for myself also began a sorting within my internal records, hand-in-hand with the concept of spiritual awakenings. To me, a spiritual awakening, a god shot and an aha moment all fall within the same realm, like small miracles. A realm full of possibilities, understanding and empowerment. Small steps of validation that I’m on the right path and that my work is in fact leading me to something greater. These awakenings vary in size, from small perceptions of clarity to life altering, major gift opening realizations. There is no limit to the amount of self-discovery that occurs within this program. It has taken me to depths I’ve never dared to dive into or maybe even thought of. Watching last week’s moon transitioning from darkness to crescent also reminds me of life’s cyclical nature. Always an opportunity to discover in the darkness of my soul and then begin again…to grow with new ideas into fullness. As is often shared, the metaphor of our layers of onion being peeled back and off, is clear in my mind’s eye. Today, I feel a tough layer beginning its first attempt at dislodging from a place of childhood, with growth so deep and strong at its base, like a Band-Aid’s glue affixed over a wound, all a precursor to the pain that will no doubt come before it has fully shed. It’s a jagged pill to swallow and yet, one that must be thoroughly investigated, thanked, forgiven and finally released. All the while a fresh green shoot, full of new ideas, considers its sprouting and will continue to grow with a new sense and identity. The release cannot happen without trial and error, without deep consideration and I must fully embrace the dark side of me. For me, the ultimate big picture is one where the entire human race desires to evolve in ways this program offers. To have various types of spiritual awakenings that will allow changes to old limiting stories. Fostering an idea that our stories can be re-written. To become non-judgmental, to not need to compare, to accept everyone just as they are. And personally, to not incessantly need to prove to others that I am worthy. The words “having had” remind me of “coming to” or literally from Step 2, came to…came to believe. For me, that’s where it all begins...I must believe that change can occur for the better and return me to sanity. I feel I’m constantly “coming to” and ultimately led to continuing towards the…having had. I’m reminded this work is messy, this life can be messy and this work is a courageous step in uncovering all that is divine within.
I'm still reeling a little, but it's gentle today. I want to project a healthy entitlement, the divine right. And a good sense of self worth. I choose for my relationships, all my relationships to not be those of torture. Find the sweetness in each one. Beautiful friendships to be in gratitude for. And, I am so grateful. Maybe I don't know how to be in a relationship without pushing...pulling. Or maybe it's my skewed view of identification with value through that avenue. Today, in this, I am forced to be real and see who I am showing up as. Is she a faker, will she become fickle...? Will I run? Being validated in some ways and not in others...why not just accept the validation given. Why need more? Why is it not enough? I sometimes use sarcasm as a way to gain validation, little digs here and there ushering a response needed. I see I don't want to be that girl ether, the girl looking for validation for everything and then even wanting more.
Sometimes, there is future talking, rambling, funny short day dreams...meant to be actualized or not...? Maybe there is gift is the impermanence of the day dream it self. What ever it is, the set up is alluring. It's a rush. Watching as the connections change my energy, ignite something inside, where my breath becomes short, my eyes fill with deepness...trying to tame it leads to frustration. The pull is too strong to fight. I surrender it again and again, offering myself to her and ask her for her guidance and clarity. I am in trust that all is exactly as it should be. The pathway is shown, the ground beneath strong and expansive, the way is lit......
I can have it...what ever that may be~
#surrender #havingness #relationships #healthyentitlement #divineright #gratitude
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