I find it interesting that no matter how many times i have felt heart break, it’s all different. Yes, the core pain is similar, yet the affects vary it seems. Well, for today at least that’s how it feels. Today, the heart break for the millionth time feels more hurtful than ever before or as much as the very first time. The very first time someone showed me their shadow side and the pain and lack of control they suffered from. I guess I feel like because we’re older, more mature, we should be able to express ourselves, to feel vulnerable enough with another to communicate. And yet, this is not so. I see a shadow of insecurities and posturing that can only lead to manipulation at the most cunning level. Although I see and can justify all the reasoning behind these actions, I never see it ahead of time. If only….If only I saw the red flags for what they truly are, or maybe they were red and with manipulation appeared as the green lights I saw so clearly. The unmistakable determination and motivation to move forward. Was it just all an illusion. Once again, I’m left to my own devices, which lead to me feeling as though I’m a lunatic nut job. You would think…and yet, my heart is open to do it again and again and again. Knowing full well that the pain I feel today, the disappointment, the deceit, the entangling, could possible occur again. I question my motives, do I attract this person in need to rescue or am I that person and they are merely a mirror to show myself to me. It would be sad if that were the truth. And when I call out to the mother for answers, why doesn't she answer me more directly. I want to find my own truth and yet her assistance is a necessity if I am to come out from behind my own shadow. None of my questions I really expect answers for and yet, here I am, wanting them. This need to have my feelings validated, to want someone to be as vulnerable to me as I feel I have been to them. Is there someone out there who will match me, challenge me, mirror me, the real me? Where does one go for that? Is there a store with an incredibly long line, one where you take a number and wait. I can see all those like me, waiting, in chairs, leaning up against the wall, sitting cross legged…waiting. How long will we all wait? What’s the answer? Where’s the key? Is it me? I ask to be changed in to one who believes all is exactly as it should be and yet, it’s uncomfortable as all get out. Am I really meant to be uncomfortable? Oh yes, out of the flames rises the Phoenix. Why must this Phoenix be in the flames to begin with, this all powerful amazingly courageous bird, why…? Why can’t it just fly and soar and coast it’s way through the clouds and gentle breezes? Why the struggles, the trials, the tribulations, the pain, the agony. Oh, this poor heart of mine. It so longs to be fulfilled, to be embraced, to be held in the most gentle of hands with the purest of intentions. It feels as though it is only the divine that could fulfill what I desire, that could possible quench this everlasting thirst. I offer her my broken parts and my whole parts and ask…beg…devote…lament…my self and all my stuff for her to fuse together and help me to create something whole. Not without challenges, just with direction and a sense of wholeness, to walk more upright, to speak without questioning myself, to move with grace and determination, to be all that I am divinely meant to be. To be one with her…I surrender fully, whole heartedly, with all I have, broken pieces and all.
photo from: http://christopherk.deviantart.com/art/Wilting-Wings-107197414
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